The Story of John Black

John Black is the man that I probably should have met in a year or two. Of course, I actually met him roughly six months after Brad and I split and I really don't regret it. It is just that I think any relationship that follows so closely on the heels of a ruined marriage is doomed. And ours was. In so many ways he helped me heal and move on, but it was totally at the expense of our own relationship.

If you ask John Black, he will tell you that I am amazing. He will tell you that our relationship crumbled under the weight of dealing with my family and Brad. Of course, he probably would use different word choices than the ones that I just did. And he's right. My family was a big factor, but while I accepted it, he couldn't. He just couldn't see past the moment to realize their point of view.

When Brad and I split, it didn't just affect me. It affected my family, too. When Brad and I started dating, my siblings were young. My baby sister was only two when we met. In a very real sense, he was like a brother to all of them. Then suddenly not only was he not around, but he had done some truly awful things that they just couldn't believe he had done. It was hard to handle. Adding to that was the realization for my parents that I was going to be divorced - which is no small deal in my family. The whole breakdown of my marriage was so fast that it stunned everyone. In December of 2003 Brad and I were trying to get pregnant. Two months later I find out about his affair. December of 2004 was my first Christmas with John Black, who I had met December 4th. It was a lot to ask my family to process and probably too much for me to handle - in hindsight, of course. In the moment I was just so happy to have found someone when months early I had been terrified I never would. To me, John Black filled in every missing piece that I had. But I wasn't ready. And that is truly why it failed. So Lesson 34 about life after divorce - don't rush into another relationship. You may ruin something that could have been amazing if you would just have waited.

Even though it didn't work out, I have amazing stories about John Black - some of which I will share eventually and some of which I will hug to myself. Here is my very favorite story - one I bet he wouldn't even remember but I always think about this as a turning point in my life. First journey back with me briefly to Brad - when he admitted his affair he told me it was my fault. He told me that he just wasn't attracted to me because he liked petite, short, skinny girls - so he just had to have an affair. That sounds so ridiculous now- I have never been petite or skinny and yet he married me. And I guaranty there was no attraction problem. But back when he was telling me this, I was already so beaten down that I just accepted it. I remember feeling so awful about myself for a long time, thinking that if I had just been skinnier then he wouldn't have cheated. Bullshit, of course, but I wasn't rational.

Fast forward to John Black. We are laying in bed in comfy clothes on a Sunday afternoon watching football. We are cuddled up and he moved his hand to rest on my stomach - of course I immediately tried to move it to some less jiggly part of my body. He asked me what I was up to, so I told him it made me uncomfortable to have him touching my flabby belly. He pulled my shirt up over my stomach and laid both hands on my belly and told me to stop being ridiculous, that he loved my belly because it was part of me and he loved me. I will stop the story there because I am sure you don't need to know the rest, but his complete acceptance of all of me was something I never had with Brad - ever. And that one comment has stayed with me always. And yes, I realize it sounds completely corny, but it is completely representative of my relationship with John Black. Despite all the nonsense and the way we ended up - we both truly accepted each other for who were were, flaws and all. It was a lesson I needed to learn. John Black - you are a good egg.