Get Married? Again? Maybe....

I just started reading this book called "Committed" and it is the follow up book to "Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert. To begin with, if you haven't read the first one, go get it. It is a very touching, amusing, readable story of this woman's attempt to find herself after divorce. I promise, it's good. The first word of the book is 'eat' - how could it not be good? Any woman that starts her journey of self exploration with carbs is a friend of mine! Anyway....she just published this next one, and it is all about her study of the institution and application of marriage. She and her boyfriend, through circumstances they can't change, are getting married even though both are highly against the idea of remarriage because of their own previous divorce horrors. This story is her struggle to make peace with that.

This is the one issue that I have never worried about at any point in the aftermath of my divorce. I know that many people do, of course, and I completely empathize with that distrust of something that has caused you so much pain. In my case though, I don't blame marriage for all misery....I blame Brad. And to some extent, myself, for picking a partner so badly. (Although mostly Brad) The problem I had was the person I picked, not the circumstances. Nothing in our marriage vows caused our problems, the institution of marriage didn't whisper in Brad's ear that he should go boink a trashy waitress. No, marriage was not the problem. Brad was just not someone that could withstand life standing next to me - and I blame myself for not seeing that, for thinking that I loved him enough for everything to work out. Love may make the world go round....but love alone does not make a marriage work. Hard work, faith, shared values, patience, common goals, commitment, toe curling sex, and a little bit of love....those things make marriage work. And I picked a boy that couldn't see those things through.

So instead of questioning the institution of marriage, now I just question my judgement. I am not afraid of remarrying, I am afraid of picking badly again. What if it is me that is broken? What if I do this all over again just to find out that I am back in a relationship with a man that doesn't value me and my beliefs and my dreams? I love writing this blog but I do not want to be sitting here in three years writing about why two divorces suck worse than just one. I want to be sitting here sharing stories of how phenomenal my life is once I picked the right man, sharing my success stories.

My dating choices seem to reflect this inner struggle. I would date a rocker boy that loved to show me a good time, but that didn't know if he wanted kids and was estranged from his parents. Instead of seeing this as a sign to get out, I saw it as a challenge. Hmmm....how can I reunite him with his mom and expose him to kids so he sees that he really does like them but has just been repressing it for years??? (yes, I know I'm a fruitcake) Post divorce I was so afraid of being alone that I let many bad choices linger far longer than necessary. And, of course, immediately following that bad choice I would swamped with guilt and rage at my own personal stupidity - so I'd go hunt for a nice guy. You know, the guy your mom will love that is responsible and happy to sit for hours and hold your hand. That guy. They are out there. So I would find a nice guy and try to atone for my preoccupation with the previous bad boy by being everything this nice guy needed. Except...I would get antsy. If he was a fanatic about keeping his car clean, I would drop stuff on the floor to see if he'd yell at me. If he wanted to hold hands and watch a movie quietly, I'd whisper dirty stuff in his ear to see if he'd be shocked. I am just not cut out to appreciate a straight up nice guy. I need him to be a little bent.

So, while I admit to being a bit wary of remarriage, it is really just my own judgement that scares me. But I have to believe that as I get older, I get smarter about my choices and clearer about what I want out of life. Having a failed marriage just lets me see all the things that are important to have in place for another one. It's like I get an extra study guide on what not to do. I have to have a bit more faith in 31 year old me, than in 25 year old me. 31 year old me knows to say no to the bad boy and to say no to the nice guy. I'm holding out for the man that wants to visit my parents house for an afternoon - and still waits to catch me in the hallway to make out for a few minutes while no one is looking. When the nice guy with the wicked streak asks me - I won't be afraid to consider saying yes.