Unanswered Prayers

I hated this song when my marriage broke up. Mainly because it was something I didn't want to hear. I can be (ever so slightly) head strong, and I didn't want to hear that things may have been working out the way they were supposed to be. I wanted God to immediately fix the little world that I had built. No questions, no discussions....I had suffered enough, let's get on with it already.

I had an extremely difficult time trying to figure out how letting go of my marriage and keeping true to my faith worked together. Was all this nonsense just a test that I was supposed to pass? Was God just seeing how faithful I would be? How willing I was to embrace the 'or for worse' part of my vows? It was hard for me to wrap my Catholic head around the idea that God would want me to let go and move on with my life. So I spent countless hours praying....for myself, for my marriage, for Brad, for answers. And rarely did I pray for things to just work out how God wanted. I prayed for my life to fix itself the way I wanted. All I wanted at that time was my life back. I didn't care if it was hard, or it was flawed. I meant my vows and I was okay dealing with the problems because that is part of marriage. So this Garth Brooks song talking about how unanswered prayers are best got me all riled up. I didn't want unanswered prayers with vague ideas of a better future out there someday. I wanted answered prayers, a remorseful and healed husband, and patience and faith for me to deal with what my life had become. I got none of those things. (In fact, I think God took patience away from me so I had less than when I started.) Instead my husband became worse, I lost complete control of myself and the situation, and my faith was completely shook up. However....

Apparently the song is correct. I think sometimes it is impossible for us to accurately judge a situation when we are right smack dab in the middle of it. Now that I am through the worst of it I am just thankful that God didn't answer my prayers, that I wasn't stuck in that life for the rest of my lifetime. Life is suddenly now opened up in front of me and full of possibilities that I had thought were long gone. Once I got over being terrified about being without a plan, it was amazing to think of all the things I could do now if I wanted. I could completely change my life to be something more representative of who I really am, more true to the kind of person that I really want to be. And I can do that with someone that values that about me, instead of merely tolerating it like Brad and John Black did.

I am not going to say that Chet is my future for certain or that things worked out this way just so we could be together. (of course, I'm not ruling it out either) It is way too early to be creating concrete plans. I still don't know what he likes on his pizza - and that could honestly be a major deal breaker. But if God would have answered my prayers back when my marriage fell apart - then I wouldn't have the chance to find out. I would've thought that my marriage was as good as it got and missed out on these fantastic last few weeks. Chet would have been just an old acquaintance from school that I ran into once in a while when I went out for a bottle of wine. And that would have been too sad for words. So I will take my chances on a less than certain future, have faith that God will put me exactly where I need to be, and maybe sing a little Garth in the shower tonight.