There Is No Problem That Can't Be Solved With Office Supplies~

I am not a dependent, clingy woman. I do not need to hear my significant other's voice every single day. I do not need constant attention so that I can tell him everything I have done all day and everyone that I have talked to. I don't need regular updates with what he had for lunch, who called him last night, or that he ran out of toothpaste this morning and had to chew gum on the way to the supermarket. I am just not that girl. For several reasons. One, I really don't care about his toothpaste or his lunch, it is not groundbreaking news. (Unless it was unusually tasty and then I want the recipe - lunch, not the toothpaste) Two, I trust him to tell me if someone important is on the phone and I also trust him to make the right call if he is talking to someone that would make me uncomfortable. Three, I hate relationships where you are living in each other's pockets. I truly like my independence and no matter where Chet and I end up, I plan on keeping part of that and I wouldn't respect him if he didn't do likewise. However....

I can't handle not knowing what is going on. I don't care if the plan for tomorrow involves me or if he is going to go hang with his buddies or if he just wants a quiet night at home by himself - I just want to know what is happening. I am not offended with needing alone time or guy time. I need my own alone time and girl time, too. But this not knowing is making me feel like an idiot. Because here is what is happening. I don't think Chet has had to account for his time or his schedule to anyone for a while, if really ever. He just does what he wants, when he wants. Which is not the problem. The problem is that I keep asking what is going on because I never feel like I know and then I end up feeling like I am in the way. I don't feel like a valued girlfriend, I feel like Chet is eyeing my every move like I am trying to box him in. (For the record, this is not an accurate statement of how Chet feels - this is just how my neurotic post-divorce brain processes this kind of stuff. I am 100% aware this is my own problem) It makes me want to walk around his apartment and double check to make sure I am not leaving any trace of myself so that he doesn't think I am taking his space. It makes me feel insecure and idiotic and foolish - all things that I hate to feel. Especially since that isn't remotely the kind of girl that I am. Am I completely wrong for wanting to purchase a super sized dry erase calender and just leave it sitting on his table with a post it note on top that simply says....hmmm, I don't know what it would say. Something clever and witty that basically implies.... "let me know what the plan is. All I want is to know what is going on so I can stop being this ridiculous, paranoid version of myself and just live my life without constantly second guessing myself about where I am supposed to be and if you really want me around. I just need a plan."

Of course, I am not going to do this. (And even if I wanted to, that would all not fit on a post it note) But when I start thinking paranoid thoughts about all the things that could be wrong or all the things that could go wrong or all the things that are already wrong and I don't even know it....it comforts me to think about the dry erase calender and markers. Not because they necessarily represent a solution, but because I have a slightly unhealthy obsession with office supplies. And you don't get much more 'office' than an oversized, dry erase calender. Especially if I accessorize it with a full assortment of complimentary colored dry erase markers. Ahhh....I am starting to feel better already. An hour of walking around Staples debating the merit of ink widths (super fine or fine) and all will be right in my world.