Long Term Flaws

So if you have been faithful to my blog then you know that Chet and I are doing really well. We have met (and liked) each other's families, we have a somewhat regular weekly routinely worked out so we see each other around our crazy schedules, there is chick food and bubble bath in Chet's apartment, and we (dare I say it?) are pretty much happy and in love.

Now, while I am not ready to call an end to the fun, romantic first stage of our relationship yet - events partially out of our control did make us look for a moment somewhat seriously at the future the other night. Not that I haven't thought about the possibility of a future with Chet before now, but it has always been the kind of thought that is blurry around the edges and unshaped. There were no concrete details or plans or schedule. It was an optimistic thought - rather than a realistic, actionable thought. Someday. The other night just brought things into sharper focus for a little bit and made me, and I'm sure Chet, think for a moment about how that may look and what circumstances will shape it.

My gut reaction? I immediately feel a burning need to tell Chet all of my flaws, all of the reasons why he shouldn't want to be with me long term. The reasons why I am not a good bet for future happiness. I know this sounds like I am sabotaging myself, but there is a story behind it. Actually a book behind it. I finished that book called 'Committed' - the one that was about one woman's research and soul search about marriage. One of the things that I remember most was this story where she wrote down a list of all her most serious flaws, the kinds of flaws that she felt made her unworthy to be some one's partner. And then she gave it to her boyfriend. Her reasoning was that she loved him so much that she wanted to protect him from anything she could - even herself. Before they went through with their marriage, she wanted him to be 100% sure he understood how broken she was, so that there were no surprises and that he could protect himself from her if he so chose.

I feel like I need to do that, like I need to make sure Chet knows exactly what he is getting into if he looks towards the future. I don't want to continue the road that we are on and a year from now have him realize that I really wasn't lying when I said that I am awful at managing my money or that I have control issues. I have also been broken and not only do I want to make sure he knows that, but I don't ever want to put him in a position where he regrets taking a chance with me - so I want him to have all the facts straight up. With that said, if you were considering spending your future with me, here are the things you should know.

1. I really AM awful at managing my money, usually because I don't say no well. Need $20? Sure, here ya go. Having a rough night and need to go out for dinner and a bottle of wine? I'm in. It's your birthday/anniversary/wedding/new baby/monday blues day? I have the best, most amazing present for you. I promise. Now to give myself some credit, I am much better now than I was five years ago and I do for the most part have a budget plan that I loosely follow. I just can be talked out of it if you try moderately hard. When Brad and I were together he would get pissed at me constantly over things like this and instead of just handling our finances (which I was more than willing to let him do - I know that I need a handler) he was obsessed with trying to make me do it on my own and then being mad at me for my reasoning on why I did things the way I did. I am never going to be the responsible choice for running finances in a serious relationship. I have made my peace with it.

2. On the other hand, I like to run the house. I like to rearrange furniture on a whim. I like to organize cupboards, create homes for everything (many times with pretty labels so you don't get confused), pick out paint colors and redecorate as many times as needed until I am satisfied. Which may be never. I haven't reached that point in a home yet. I love to grocery shop, buy season appropriate candles for all major surfaces, and play hostess. I have a slight Queen of my Castle complex. It can be annoying to live with, but it is inevitable. Love me, love my neurosis.

3. My first reaction to any major life event or stressor is always, always going to be all emotional. This is something that is beyond my control. If you want to talk something out from start to finish in one sitting, then expect to have to help me work through all my feelings before I can think about it logically. This isn't to say I can't be rational, but my gut reaction is going to some kind of emotional outpouring that may or may not be based in fact or reason. I can be reasonable and handle life - but I just need my vent time first, without judgement. Typically this is something that men don't handle well.

4. I can be paranoid. This is an acquired flaw since my divorce. I really work hard at being trusting, but if you engage in behavior that is sneaky, or evasive, or strange...my gut reaction is always going to be that you are up to something. It is unbelievably important to me that my future partner understand my reasoning behind this and be willing to pretty much be an open book. I hate secrets, half truths, and pretenses.

5. It is important to pet me. I think that physical contact is really important in a relationship. If you are with me, then I believe that gives me the right to touch you pretty much whenever I want - and I am a frequent petter. I need to be connected. If you don't show me physical attention, I tend to get insecure and do crazy things to get your attention...like chop off all my hair or buy inappropriate clothing.

6. I need moments of peace and quiet. I can only handle so many days of chaos or activity before I become slightly crazy. I do not operate well when overbooked. I think of it like turning the 'off' switch on life for an evening every once in a while. Sometimes I just need to check out - from work, school, family, and even my partner. Let me do this.

Now, this is obviously not an all encompassing list of my flaws - but I think it is a pretty honest snapshot of the things that could impact a relationship, or things that make me slightly difficult from time to time. I also procrastinate, love to empty the hot water tank with super long showers, can't stand the smell or feel of raw tomatoes, and typically don't make the bed. So if you are an on-time, neat freak that hates to pay higher than normal water bills and loves raw tomatoes.....run.