What Girl Doesn't Want An Almost Army Man?

Amusing Online Email of the Week:

"I must say that I am joining the army for a wile so it is not really the best of times to start any kind of relationship but that is my main goal in life to find the one person that I will want to spend the rest of my life with. I am a hopeless romantic looking for my story book ending. I love to be touched as much as I love to touch."


Commentary:

1. W H I L E

2. If it's not a good time....WHY are you emailing me? Hmmm....maybe you explain further in your email....let me keep reading....

3. Ohhhhhh....you love to touch and be touched.....combined with the earlier 'not a good time' comment.....

Obviously this man is just an amateur masseuse looking for a practice partner, right?

I Don't Like Fish

Photos that men should NOT use on dating sites.....trust me, I'm a woman, these aren't doing you any favors~

Pictures you took of yourself in the mirror in your bathroom with your cell phone. In this day and age, who doesn't have a digital picture of themselves somewhere? Or a good friend to at least take a picture of them in a room other than the one that they pee in? I fear these men. And I don't email them.

Pictures of yourself holding huge fish. I don't know why this is a common picture pose for guys, but it seems to be. Me manly man. Me catch big fish. You likee?? No likee. I am not looking for a man that can provide fresh seafood for my table. I can catch my own fish. ( Actually, this isn't true. I have only ever caught one fish in my entire life. It was a four inch long injured catfish that Emily had just caught and tossed back in - apparently it didn't swim away fast enough. BUT - this is all just a metaphor anyway. And I can catch my own metaphoric fish.)

Pictures of yourself without a shirt on. This includes all flexing shots, shots of you hanging shirtless while cooking (??), and shots of you smiling at your own abs. How many first dates do you go on shirtless? Hi, nice to meet you, how you like my pecs? It just isn't the natural order of things and it has significant creep factor.

Pictures of you hugging on women. I would have thought this one was a no brainer, but apparently not. Unless you are labeling them saying how awesome your sister is - then you give a very specific impression about the kind of guy you are - and I can find that kind of guy at the bar on any night of the week.

***All true pictures that surfaced in my inbox this week. I swear, I can't make this stuff up.

Online Quickie Postings.....

I haven't talked about myself online for a week! What was I doing all this time if not blabbing about my problems? Many things, including collecting the fodder for this week's bullet list of funny online dating moments.....

• Escanaba Ed I try very hard to not judge men who email me on their profiles alone. I know that not everyone is a great writer (although as previously mentioned, I do subtract points for poor spelling) or knows how to communicate via internet well. So, to do my best to be fair, if a man has the cajones to email me then I usually email back even if my first impression is to turn off the computer. I think after a few emails, people reveal their character enough for me to decide if I should yank the plug on it. With that in mind, I get an email from a man who lives in the UP - a man that did use spell check or is naturally gifted in phonics. I email him back, answering his few questions and asking a few of my own; because that is the way you get to know each other, right? Now, here is the funny part. This guy doesn't answer a single question! He just runs on and on about what his perfect girl is like and how he is a great catch. I debate on whether or not to respond, but decide to go one more round because it's possible that he just didn't remember to review my email I suppose. Nope. He emails me again immediately and doesn't answer any of my second round of questions. It's almost like he isn't even reading my responses, just sending out random emails to me. Needless to say, I didn't answer any more....


• Quick on the Trigger This advice is compiled from many different online men. If you are online dating, take note of their mistake. Don't immediately email responses every time someone sends you an email. I know, rationally, that people are online all the time and it isn't neccessarily an awful thing to get a quick response. At least I know they are interested I suppose. But there were three men this week that were instant responders and no matter what they said, it made me avoid replying anymore. One was actually pretty funny, which I enjoy, but because he replied twice to me within the hour it just makes me think that there is something wrong with him. I may be off base, but my gut says to let this one go, and online dating is all about relying on your instincts. So goodbye Funny Man...hopefully you read this, learn the error of your ways, and avoid setting alarm bells off in your next quest.

• My Embarrassing Story of the Week So on this online sites, they send me five matches a day; people that they think I am very compatible with and should check out. I am not going to go into super detail on this one because, as the headline would indicate, this is embarrassing for me. Basically, these five pop up on your screen and to make them go away you click yes, no, or maybe for your level of interest. Also important to know - the pictures on these are smaller than normal so if its a full body shot of someone then it's hard to see. So one of my matches this week looked familiar, but I wanted to look at the picture closer to see if it was the guy that I thought it was, let's call him Silent Dan. Silent Dan is someone in the fringes of my social circle that is connected through other people and that basically has seen and heard some not great things about me. I don't dislike him, but have always kind of felt that he disapproves of me, although I have been assured that is not the case. Anyway, I digress. The important thing to know here is that Silent Dan and I know each other, but not well enough for me to call him up and tell him about the funny thing I did online today......and the funny thing I did was click on his profile to see better. It doesn't sound so funny until I explain that when I click on the profile, the site automatically marks him as a 'yes' which means they send him an email saying I'm interested in him - romantically. Not my finest moment. However it gave our mutual friend a very hearty chuckle.

• Bad Speller of the Week "i'm vary outgoing and love to just have fun, serouse time is at work or when deamed nessisary not all the time...." I could put more, but I think that would move this item from funny into mean, which is completely not my intention. I don't want to mock their spelling as much as I want to scream at them to take the effort to push the spellcheck button~