Online Quickie Postings.....

I haven't talked about myself online for a week! What was I doing all this time if not blabbing about my problems? Many things, including collecting the fodder for this week's bullet list of funny online dating moments.....

• Escanaba Ed I try very hard to not judge men who email me on their profiles alone. I know that not everyone is a great writer (although as previously mentioned, I do subtract points for poor spelling) or knows how to communicate via internet well. So, to do my best to be fair, if a man has the cajones to email me then I usually email back even if my first impression is to turn off the computer. I think after a few emails, people reveal their character enough for me to decide if I should yank the plug on it. With that in mind, I get an email from a man who lives in the UP - a man that did use spell check or is naturally gifted in phonics. I email him back, answering his few questions and asking a few of my own; because that is the way you get to know each other, right? Now, here is the funny part. This guy doesn't answer a single question! He just runs on and on about what his perfect girl is like and how he is a great catch. I debate on whether or not to respond, but decide to go one more round because it's possible that he just didn't remember to review my email I suppose. Nope. He emails me again immediately and doesn't answer any of my second round of questions. It's almost like he isn't even reading my responses, just sending out random emails to me. Needless to say, I didn't answer any more....


• Quick on the Trigger This advice is compiled from many different online men. If you are online dating, take note of their mistake. Don't immediately email responses every time someone sends you an email. I know, rationally, that people are online all the time and it isn't neccessarily an awful thing to get a quick response. At least I know they are interested I suppose. But there were three men this week that were instant responders and no matter what they said, it made me avoid replying anymore. One was actually pretty funny, which I enjoy, but because he replied twice to me within the hour it just makes me think that there is something wrong with him. I may be off base, but my gut says to let this one go, and online dating is all about relying on your instincts. So goodbye Funny Man...hopefully you read this, learn the error of your ways, and avoid setting alarm bells off in your next quest.

• My Embarrassing Story of the Week So on this online sites, they send me five matches a day; people that they think I am very compatible with and should check out. I am not going to go into super detail on this one because, as the headline would indicate, this is embarrassing for me. Basically, these five pop up on your screen and to make them go away you click yes, no, or maybe for your level of interest. Also important to know - the pictures on these are smaller than normal so if its a full body shot of someone then it's hard to see. So one of my matches this week looked familiar, but I wanted to look at the picture closer to see if it was the guy that I thought it was, let's call him Silent Dan. Silent Dan is someone in the fringes of my social circle that is connected through other people and that basically has seen and heard some not great things about me. I don't dislike him, but have always kind of felt that he disapproves of me, although I have been assured that is not the case. Anyway, I digress. The important thing to know here is that Silent Dan and I know each other, but not well enough for me to call him up and tell him about the funny thing I did online today......and the funny thing I did was click on his profile to see better. It doesn't sound so funny until I explain that when I click on the profile, the site automatically marks him as a 'yes' which means they send him an email saying I'm interested in him - romantically. Not my finest moment. However it gave our mutual friend a very hearty chuckle.

• Bad Speller of the Week "i'm vary outgoing and love to just have fun, serouse time is at work or when deamed nessisary not all the time...." I could put more, but I think that would move this item from funny into mean, which is completely not my intention. I don't want to mock their spelling as much as I want to scream at them to take the effort to push the spellcheck button~

Trailblazing....

As the first divorced person in my circle of people, I had to learn all my divorce lessons the hard way. (Which is usually how I learn my lessons anyway - ask my parents) I now consider myself an expert - especially since I have been mired in this experience for five years - so here is the Top Ten list of things I wish someone had told me.

10. You have to empty the lint trap in the dryer - even if it was your husband's job before - or you will likely set your house on fire. Or at a minimum, your dryer will stop drying and start smoking. Also, there is a drip pan under your refridgerator, a water shut off valve in your basement, and a filter in your furnace. Good to know.

9. You don't need 99% of the things that were stored in your garage. Keep the lawn mower, a rake, a shovel, a hammer, and a few screwdrivers and give the rest away. If you can't get the job done with those things, then it's not worth bothering with - all that other junk is just stuff men collect to fill their garages and make themselves feel like Men.

8. Don't stalk your ex. All you do is learn stuff that you don't want to know and that isn't helpful. Also, you waste a bunch of time that you could be using for other important things, like shredding the clothes he left in the closet.

7. Even though it has wheels, the trash can does not propel itself to the curb on trash day. Sadly.

6. Karma will come back around. Repeat that as often as needed until you feel better. Or until your cheating ex gets cheated on by the woman he was cheating with. That will be a great moment for you. I promise.

5. It is incredibly satisfying to throw everything in your house that belongs to your ex out the window onto the ground. Include all his clothes, childhood memories, collectibles, electronics, and anything else that you won't use. To kick the pleasure up a notch, turn the hose on and water it all down. Now, I know you are thinking that only crazy people do this and surely you will regret it one day. Take my word on it - you won't. In fact, five years down the road it will still make you chuckle out loud.

4. One day you feel empowered. The next day you will feel like a failure. The next day you will feel like superwoman. The next day you will feel beaten down. The next day you will feel hopeful. The following day you will lock yourself in the house like a hermit and eat Cocoa Puffs all day. All of these are acceptable. Prepare to feel like a manic depressive for a little while. Hang on and enjoy the ride.

3. Do not, under any circumstance, watch romantic comedies. They unravel all your progress, make your brain turn to mush, and cause you to make many errors in judgement. They also give you many mistaken expectations about the dating world that you are about to enter - but that is a story for a whole other blog.

2. Do not expect to come out of this unscathed. To say that I have regrets from this time period in my life is like saying that there is sand in the Sahara. BUT....forgive yourself, accept that everyone handles problems differently, and keep on truckin'. The people that care about you will understand.

1. Lean on your people. It will keep you from crossing over to the dark side....well, most of the time. Or at least it will give you a friend for company as you play there. ( thanks Emily) Also, in my situation, it meant that I didn't have to cook for a long time. (thanks Mom)

Pertinent Information...

Welcome to my blog! The place where I get to say anything I want about everything I want without anyone stopping me! Hmmm....the potential for disaster here is huge, isn't it? Actually, I am going to keep these blogs fairly limited to a specific topic - so I am not really going to talk about everything, BUT I reserve the right to, if I want.

Divorce is the single most awful thing that has ever touched my life. I could look at it as a terrible thing, but I really look at it like I've been pretty blessed. Not that divorce really isn't awful, but so many people deal with things that are so much worse than this; disease, death, handicaps, poverty...I could go on and on. The thing is that when you are going through divorce, you can't see that perspective. You are completely mired in yourself and what you are going through. Selfish? Yup. True? Also yup.

I can't write about all those things that are worse than divorce because thankfully I have limited knowledge on those kinds of topics. So instead I will just share my awful, and many times, amusing divorce and post divorce stories; because those are what I do know. Hopefully those of you that like to follow my rambling posts will enjoy and maybe my perspective will help someone else out there realize that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Really.

I don't know exactly what direction this blog will go, but here is what I don't want it to be - a reason for you to sit and shake your head at your computer at how sad this is. Parts of it are sad, but many other parts are funny, introspective, enlightening, and empowering. This part of my life is only one small part. It doesn't define me, it just is one thing that helps shape me. I am blessed with an extraordinary family and fantastic, supportive friends that lift me up much more than this has dragged me down. I have a roof over my head, food in my kitchen, and money in the bank - which is more than the majority of the population, even here in the United States. When the bottom dropped out my world, I had people there to pick me back up - and for that I am very grateful.

Because this blog is going to annoy my ex-husband, and because I think it's fun, I am going to give him an alias. Obviously, those of you that know me fairly decently will know who he is, but at least I'm not throwing his name out there into blogosphere for all the world to see. So from now on, my ex-husband is *Brad. And here's why - (prepare yourself for the first of many mildly amusing sidenotes) My ex-husband cheated on me at approximately the same time that Brad Pitt cheated on Jennifer Aniston. So Jennifer and I are divorce buddies. BFF's, really. Except, of course, she doesn't know. But once their story broke, I clung to it like a drowning sailor because - thankfully - I wasn't going through this alone. I had Jen. I will to this day still buy any gossip mag at the checkout at Meijers that has a Jen story on the cover. A few months ago, there was an online poll about who wore their little black dress better - Jen or Angelina. I voted for Jen 159 times. (I was just too tired to vote once more to make it an even 160.) So to reel in my tangent, in honor of my (in my mind) BFF Jen, we will rename my ex - Brad.

So that is my opening story - the tale of Jen and I. I have many more to come.....strange divorce moments, full out hysterical tales of re-entering the dating world, the story of night Emily and I almost became sailors....and how through it all, my guardian angel was putting in some serious overtime.