Inconsistent Blogger...Thy Name is.....Me.

So the holidays are not the best time for my mental clarity. (On a brief side note, the 'C' key on my computer is wacky today, so I apologize in advance for any missing 'C's) Holidays mess with my brain in so many ways that I really should consider taking an extended vacation through the majority of December just for the sake of mental health. Part of this is, of course, divorce related. And some of it is just my personal neurosis being taunted by all the holiday cliches.

The thing about the holidays post divorce that bug me aren't the things that most people would think. I actually sincerely believe that holidays are much, much easier as a single than as a couple. Holidays as a couple, at least in my experience, involve so much compromise that some years I really felt like everyone got what they wanted for Christmas - but Brad and I. We were always on this strict time schedule to make sure that no family members felt neglected that we barely had a minute for ourselves. We, more often than not, exchanged Christmas presents at six in the morning on Christmas Day after our alarm blared us awake so we could make present opening at my mom's for seven, dinner at one, and Busia's house at four. And this was after a Christmas party the night before at his families followed my midnight Mass. No, the things I miss about a married Christmas have nothing to do with actual 'couple time'. Here is what I miss. Being in the middle of a crazy family or work party and looking up to catch his eye over some inside joke. Whether it be a remark that we can't believe someone just said or an accident that almost happened when a young cousin almost undercut an uncle as she ran blindly down the hall in a fit of Christmas glee and sugar. Those moments are the ones that make me feel like I am really divorced. Those moments are sneaky. You don't even see them coming, which makes them dangerous.

My personality also does not lend itself to stable holiday mental health. I am a bit of a control freak - and it seems to be getting worse with age unfortunately. I am sure that a shrink could tell me all about how losing control of my marriage has made me cling for control in the rest of my life - but I will just save myself the three hundred bucks and admit it. I own it. I know it is true. Yet, some days it does still get the better of me. In any situation, I need to be able to know the outcome. I want to have planned out how it is going to work, I want to know all the details of the progression, and I want everyone to unequivocally accept my opinion and direction as all knowing. This does not happen often. During the holidays, this happens even less, if that is possible. There are always five hundred people(maybe a bit of an exaggeration) trying to organize or plan or execute something - and I always just know the very best way to do it if they would just listen! And yes, I know how that sounds, thus why I list it as one of my flaws....I am self aware, but accepting.

I am also a bit over the top. I tend to throw myself into situations head first and then wallow in them. Case in point - Christmas decorations. I have enough decorations to decorate a house twice this size - and last year I dragged them all out, making our home a little snowman shrine. I also brought home a huge, live tree that took up a majority of our living room and shorted out the lights because I insisted on lighting every branch on the tree. The living room became the 'walkway between the front door and the kitchen', not the 'living room' because there was no room for actual living. I follow this same train of thought when it comes to shopping, baking, and Christmas cards. I always want to do the most that I can - which is pretty much impossible and can only lead to guilt fueled ingesting of cut out cookies and fudge. It's an ugly circle. This year I am trying to reduce the stress - I don't even have a tree yet! It remains to be seen how successful I am.

So between the post-divorce psychosis and my control-freak-all-or-nothing personality, I tend to not be at my best for constructing timely, amusing posts. Forgive me, pray for my sanity, and - if I don't make it - eat a tree shaped, bedazzled cut out cookie in my honor.